star-shaped memories

Donnie Darko and Fight Club.
What makes a cult film is something that did very poorly in theatres but every other person you meet loves the film. And they usually quote about half of it back.

Any book ever written should be available to any inquiring mind seeking it. REGARDLESS of literary matter, or lack there of.

Yeah I had to go there.

And MAN I'm glad I did. I needed to read this after the depression inducing Kite Runner. Elizabeth Gilbert=my hero. What and amazing woman! I love her after reading this book. It's a memoir of sorts strating at the end of her divorce and depression and her travels through Italy, India, and Indonesia. It was interesting and uplifting. I loved her veiw on having kids and being married in the begginning of the book. Her take on God is right up my alley. I found this book refreshing and wise.

• read 60 or more books
• get my novel going.
• write ,write, write
• enroll full time again
• save money for said enrolling
• decorate my apartment

 

Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist by Rachel Cohn & David Levithan


From bn.com-It all starts when Nick asks Norah to be his girlfriend for five minutes. He only needs five minutes to avoid his ex-girlfriend, who's just walked in to his band's show. With a new guy. And then, with one kiss, Nick and Norah are off on an adventure set against the backdrop of New York City--and smack in the middle of all the joy, anxiety, confusion, and excitement of it all.

My Thoughts- Wow this was really good. It alternated between David Levithan's writing from Nick's point of view to Rachel Cohn's writing of Norah's point of view. Levithan's lyrical, descriptive writing and development of Nick blew Cohn's writing out of the water. Norah was just skeezy and bipolar sounding the whole time. The constant stream of consciousness that is the teens thoughts are written maybe a little too smart to be realistic but it was great. And what is really strange I thought was that this book had hardly any dialog. Hmm. 
       The book took me back to being 17-going to shows, thinking my music was elite, sarcasm being the second language spoken, hanging out with cute band boys all night, with the occasional drag queen thrown in. 


"The mind has an ear of its own and sometimes memory is the fiercest f-cking DJ alive."-Nick

Totally stole these quotes from my brother.

-Drop out of school before your mind rots from exposure to our mediocre educational system. Forget about the Senior Prom and go to the library and educate yourself if you've got any guts. Some of you like Pep rallies and plastic robots who tell you what to read. -You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus. -There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so. -Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber. -To be alone is to be different, to be different is to be alone. -Men make counterfeit money; in many more cases, money makes counterfeit men. -Its better to aim for the stars and miss than aim for the gutter and make it.

I set no goal. I just read whatever and whenever I felt like like it. I'm changing that this year! I'm going to try to make it to 50. 

I had a really amazing dream a couple months ago and i always meant to write it down. After like 65 weeks of not writing here I am again. I need to excerise my fingers.

The dream started in my room at home. I was sitting on my water bed. I was looking at the closed blinds on my big window in the room. Sitting, but more like floating...hovering...next to me was an energy. A smokey, swirling entity was next to me telling me to look through the blinds out of the window. I told the energy that I didn't want to...I was too afraid of what I'd see if I parted the blinds and peered out into the world. The energy coaxed me on. I parted the blinds with my fingers but immediatley shut my eyes as a wash of terror of the unknown came over me. The energy next to me known what I had done. In a calm soft voice it said that there was nothing to be afraid of and that I would be better if I just trusted and looked. I took a deep breath and looked. What I saw though my blinds was not terrifying but it was a lush landscape of mountains and oceans. Birds were flying through the scene, waves were crashing, the sun was beaming and I felt as if I could trust and that everything was going to be okay because I listened to this entity.

i went to smith mountain lake for 3 days before 4th of july. it was gorgeous. i drove down with mema and my aunt nancy. mema stayed long than my aunt nancy just her and i drove back. and nancy came out to me on the ride home...which i knew was inevidable. i'm glad she did.

wow the scenery down there was amazing. i got to go jet skiing and ride on the boat everyday...take a boat to go out to eat...how awesome is that? mountains in the background....and their million dollar house was just incredible.

i work at giant eagle in boardman now, in the bakery. they love me there.

also, craig and i are really trying to get an apartment together. cross your fingers.

my mom and i went to see pirates of the carribean 2 on saturday, and what's funny is i can't remember the 1st one. oh well. i enjoyed the 2nd alot more than i thought i would plus spending time with my momma.

ashley and i...and maybe adria??? but our first selection was called 'good in bed' by jennifer weiner. it started out really believable...then i dunno what happened to many overly wonderful, great things came her way. the main character is over weight, succsessful journalist, and just broke up with her long term bf. it was funny and was a nice read. ashley and i got together over pretzels & coffee and dicussed the book. so fun. our next readings include the 5 people you meet in heaven, a million little pieces(maybe), and what crazy looks like.

2 year aniversary of my journal. that also mean's craig and i's 2 year is coming up.

i just got over being sick. my baby took care of me. today kara and i went to yellow creek park and walked bunny as far as the path would go. then we trned around and went on a different path that went p soooo freakin high and path at time was a foot narrow and it was a steep drop down like 150ft! it was crazy! i was having a heart attack walking bnny on that...little mountain dog that she is and all. it was very nice though. then my car started overheating on the way back to kara's so her dad took at look at my car.

monday kara and i went to the korn/mudvayne/10 years concert. it was neat. haha 'neat'. kara called me saturday night asked what i was doing monday and said i'm going with her to see korn. all good. we totally sat in the wrong seats...good thing no one claimed them. people were sneaking onto the floor left and right. i liked mudvayne and korn was cool(we had already saw them over a year ago). i'm glad they ending with the song blind. all in all it was very cool-got me back intouch with my roots.

myspace needs to die. people are meant to stay out of your life for a reason- not look you up on myspace and request to be your friend and send you comments. myspace is f-ing with the balance of the universe.

i woke up to the over powering smell of garlic. 10:30 am. my grandma was cooking it downstairs and it smelled like she was cooking it on my head. the freaking smell woke me up. it was a really good dinner though...the lady who lives 2 doors down made it up. i bummed it all day today. craig got me a glass purple rose it was very sweet. aww. i went to the library with craig & ant. so i'm about to go start the 'girl with pearl earring'. speaking of i have a huge girl crush on scarlette johansson


tomorrow...store with mema.
saturday...craig's 21st. yay! oh boy i'm not ready at all.......

i love sleeping. i think it's so mysterious yet so familiar that most people don't question or think about it. what i love more is dreaming. i think it's so complex, strange and wonderful. dreams can be so normal or so fanstastical...or somehwere right in the mddle. they can take you to worlds that your mind creates on all it's own or to the room you spend most of your time in. it's totally uncontrolable (most of the time), you're just along for the ride. do they mean something more then we suspect? why do we remember some as vividly as if they happened yesterday, others we can't remember if we had a single dream that night? i don't know if this holds true for most people but i have dreams that i'm not in or i'm in for a couple minutes and it plays like a movie. it's odd i think but some of mine include 'camera angles' and the viewer knows certain things about the plot that some of the character are unaware about, it's very hard to explain in words. i've always said i would love to if there was an invention to hook up to your brain and your dream would be projected onto a tv screen or something. onto last night's dream........

it began by following l.c. (ya know from laguna beach) except she was down played. i mean she was still gorgeous just her hair wasn't as blonde, she had peicings on her face...but none the less it was her. she was going up to this HUGE mansion. a middle aged woman answered the door and they echanged friendly hello's. you could look around the great room l.c. stepped into. the ceiling were at least 50 ft. high, it had 2 marble looking stair cases leading up to 2 different wings of the mansion. there was a colossel fireplace and above that was a mammoth picture of the woman who answer the door. l.c. proceeeded up one side of the stair cases and i knew she was there for a 'purpose' if you will. she entered what was again an enormous room with the walls being 90% windows to see the outside. and there was this guy sitting at his desk working very diligently on some thing. at that moment i knew i have had this dream before. 
can't tell you when but after that i just knew. and i remembered that i knew certain things. i knew he was working on something bad, yet l.c. did not and she really didn't care what he was working on. he was very handsome but not in a conventional way like an abercrombie model, more like the lead singer of band if i had to describe him. he had dark hair and it fell into his eyes and he wore dark clothes. i knew l.c. loved him and i knew that this boy did not love her back. i remembered that this encounter they have is often and usually the same. it was also that this boy possed certain magical or super powers. that part is a little blurry. but he was cursed. he scoured the land for beautiful girls so he could make them fall in love with him, sleep with them, to see if he could love back but it has never happened. he was angry and hardened and pretty much gave up on the idea of love and used girls. 
l.c. began looking at the wondrous painting that covered the walls, admiring their beauty, when you see the boy at his desk turn and look at l.c., admiring her beauty. when he was finished working they kissed and kissed and had sex. (*note lol my dream was definatley not a porn! i actually did not see any of the goings on darn. like i said it was more like a pg-13 movie. haha.) this same enounter happened once more in my dream. practically the same thing happened. and i thought to myself in my dream i remember this dream with alot more making out...for some reason. then a person came to the mansion(the one who cursed the boy) because the curse was broken..the boy fell in love with l.c. but the boy still did not want o admit his love, for fear or pride or whatever reason it also had something to do with that thing he was working on in his room. so the person was put a curse on him gathered a bunch of people to confirm or make him see he was in love. all of a sudden i was one of those people. everyone was gettin so emotional because they wanted to two to be together and when it was my turn to argue i pointed and stood up and said something like 'blah blah but what you didn't realize is that you would FALL OR HER!!!' haha i was very dramatic. and then i think he finally succumbed to his heart and they lived happliy ever after. oh yeah, i should mention my dreams really have no beginning or end. =)

well my gerbil Harlequin passed away the other day...


(old pic)

<lj-cut>I got Harlequin over 2 1/2 years ago from a local pet store. I had intended on just ASKING about hamsters but the store manager told me don't get hamsters they're mean lil creatures of evil. (I have since had a hamster and he was the cuddliest  animal ever!) So she showed me some gerbs and I saw one with a kink in it's tail she said he was nice but no one wanted him cuz of his tail. I knew then he was mine.

Harlequin was the size of a mouse. He was all black except for a white crooked beard under his mouth. After awhile he started getting gray hairs lol. His nicknames were Gerby, The Gerb, Houdini.
He escaped from his cage once...he enjoyed running around our kitchen for a few hours eating the crumbs on the floor.
He was really really inquistitive and loved eating out of my hand...if it was in my hand it was good...if it was in his bowl it sucked. haha
I love when he made tunnels around his cage I always tried to keep him entertained. He liked making corn-holes around his tank...for who knows what reasons cuz the corn he put IN the holes he never ate...and only corn hmm. If there were a bunch of people in the room he was attentive and curious at what we were doing...he really liked people(we kept him in the living room a.k.a the zoo where there was constant activity). When I switched him to his 15 gallon tank(from a critter trail after a month or 2) he never ran on a wheel again. He was a weird gerb. I brought him out of his tank to run around on the couch while I watched tv sometimes. I loved that he taught himself to use a 'litter box'. He was our little carboard recycler guy.
His fave food was meal worms...then crickets(he became a lil predator when we threw one in). 
Harlequin had a great life. I'm pretty sure he just died of natural causes. He was buried in our garden with Sean & Craig present.

this is a couple months after i got him, sans digi camera, you can kinda see his white beard


Probably a year or so old you can almost see his kinky tail


one of his MANY tunnels he built-taken in the summer


pretty recent..taken about 2 or 3 months ago

</lj-cut>

omigod in 2 1/2 hours i'm going to BINGO!!! i am beyond excited. yes, with my gram & her friend. i better win the $500 jackpot...

 

but my gerbil is not doing well at all. since i been at craig's i have not noticed anything but when i came home today he is noticably different. he's not greeting anyone when they go over to his tank he can barely keep his eyes open he's so sluggish. i know timmy's been feeding him and there's still alot of untouched food in his tank & an untouched toilet paper roll. he will barely get on his hind legs and show us his t-rex arms. hopefully he makes it. he's just over 2 years old.

 

craig has moved into an apartmen with his older bro. i've been staying there practically everynight. we shopped at aldi's and wal-mart.. it has been a blasty-blast. last night anthony decided to spend the night also. so they HAD to get alcohol & i had some smirnoff leftover from the weekend. and craig's lil bro jim, after havin 5 beers of his own, wanted to drink with us too so we got him alcohol. i had fun. we sat around and talked mostly. craig barely felt anything after 6 beers, anothy i think was kinda drunk, jim i kow was drink, and i was just tipsy...i only had 2 1/2 smirnoff's and 2 lil shots of orange vodka that they had at the apartment. then craig serenaded me and anthony to sleep(literally) with his acoustic guitar. i kept dreaming of water and everytime i woke i was SOOO parched. but did nothing about it. oh and timmy almost has a gf. hell will be freezing over any day now.

kara, ashley & i went to see bare *cough* brokeback mountain today. i think i found out about this movie in october and counted down the days to it's release, it wasn't released around here though. i checked the papers every week. we were pumped about this movie & the suspense was awful. now that we have seen dare i say it was kinda.........boring? i expected 'an epic love store' i wanted passion, romance, betrayal, drama, heartbreak, gay sex. now don't get me wrong it was pretty good but i think we built it up too much. lol. we did see shane in the theatre.

 

now, it is a common fact that i believe every human being has the mind power to be 'psychic' if you will. you must learn how to govern the energy you project into the world and interpret whatever is coming at you. this leads me into certain that have happened within the past few years. kara & i talk about events that we want to happen or we think should happen like alot of girls. i think one half of us wants to believe the best possible outcome will come of the event or action. 90% of the time when we talk about the best thing that could happen or possible events it NEVER happens. it was just a pipe dream & we settle for mediocracy. then there is a time when we joke about things that should happen or thing that we want to happen but REALLY know it would never come about...it ALWAYS ends up in our favor & we are generally shocked. after about 4 years we are still shocked when we joke about something that's going to happen and the next day it comes true or unfolds.

now that i work mostly on the computer i have no excuse to deny my lovely journal.

 

what's new?

craig's family is moving into an apartment which just sucks. he won't even have his own room. bastards. i won't continue this rant any further it will exhaust me.

my dad is getting very health conscious(his high blood pressure is getting out of control). which means he wants to eat primarily veggies & low sodium things & moderate portions. great it will make us all healthier and i'm all for eating the stuff he needs to...... in theory. my grandma who does the cooking can't comprehend this at all. she din't know until last week that sodium free things in cans even existed. *i* had to run up to IGA one day buy sodium free green beans just to prove to her that there's things out there ghetto Aldi's doesn't supply. But so far nothing has changed...just my dad doesn't eat alot of meals with us anymore. and i received a vegetarian 'starter kit' in the mail incidentally. i mean i love animals it doesn't make any sense to eat them. but on the other hand i really don't like alot of vegetables. i don't know anymore. i think i'll make a effort to slowly cut back on them, especially beef & pork. (i'm already convinced i never want to put another drop of milk to my lips not that i liked it anyway but in cereal & stuff) 

===> Milk SUCKS <===

i've been reading ALOT lately. i'm reading the chronicles of narnia & *gasp* i picked up a BIBLE! yeah me of all people. it a children's one with lots of pictures. haha. more to come of that later...

also what's been weird is that i've been listening to stuff i was into around 2001-2003. like metal & pop. lol that's what i was into.

in my dream last night i was an only child. my dad was scientist/inventor and a billionaire. i never saw my dad. i was able to do antyhing i'd like. i was a princess in almost every sense of the word. my dad created this glass dome of a world for people the live in. a modern utopia. everything in the dome was glass and white, technologically advanced. i wore elaborate glittering outfits and had a pair of wings to match every outfit i owned. i looked nothing like myself. i had no friends. everyone prejudged me. and i didnt care. there was a college in this dome world. on the first day of class i discovered i could do simple magic just by thinking it so. i made the blue oval stairs on the way down to my class a slide. i sat in the front of the classroom. no one sat near me. they all whispered behind my back. we all pulled out our laptops. there's were bulky and black. mine was sleek and new, made of glass. expensive and better. then a person sat next to me. i could sense that that person did not know who i was. or did not care. that person became my friend became my friend.

saturday we took a VERY impromtu trip to columbus for the FIRST show of the MOTHERF_CKING WARPED TOUR 2005. i called kara at like 9am ran and got my aunt's car (toyota matrix...what what)picked up craig & his bro and it was on like donkey kong!!!

oh yeah. we get there with no problem and write down the bands times to play. AVENGED SEVENFOLD was surprising the first (around 3pm-we got there later than usual...it's a 3 hour trip) we wanted to check out. we hung out by the stage they were suppose to be on and pushed out way up to the front. hawthorne heights was going on before a7x on the opposite stage they were great to hear live. but the suspense was killing me till a7x came on. and when they finally hit the stage it was nothing short of spectacular. we weren't on zacky's side of the stage (darn). they play SOOOOOOO good live. and m. shadow's voice is 'messed up' but you could barely notice...at the very end m. shadows screamed so loud it made alot of people light headed! are you kidding me?!?! LOL on the way home we kept saying avenged sevenfold tried to kill everyone by doing that. my favorite quote from the day...we were tryin to see the set list for a7x and we saw the first typed song and kara goes "it's chapter something..." LOLOLOLOLOL it was chapter 4 from waking the fallen but it was funny cuz it's not like a7x has more than one 'chapter' song. i was front row pretty much the whole time. crowd surfers are bitches. it went by so fast though.

we saw atreyu, my chemical romance, the transplants, and ummm i cant think. and who knows when i'll update again

I know you had a girlfriend when I said it...but yes you are my soulmate. You are the one who made me believe in a soulmate. In the power of great love. What many men for all of time search for all their lives and rarely ever find. You are my inspiration for all I do. You've made me find strength within myself I never knew existed. I wish everyone could experience the magical connection we have, but know alot wouldn't be able to handle the intensity. We grow closer everyday. We learn together and I still wish you could shrink and I'd take you in my pocket. You are my hero in every sense of the word. I feel beautiful in your presence and eyes. I'm your angel and cherish every ounce of love you give me. You're the greatest friend anyone could ever ask for. I never thought I could truly be my weird self around the hottest guy in the world. We're big nerds and love fun. We're perfect for each other. I never stop thinking/fantasizing about you and our golden memories. And it's only been 1 year. Just think of all the years after this? I know what we have in unmatchable but the best is yet to come.
I will miss you like crazy on my trip to Cincinnati and know at any moment your thinking of me...I will be thinking of you and missing you. I wish you were there already and I haven't left but then again I never really do leave you. I can't wait to see you when I get back. You better e-mail me ;)
xoxoxox
Love, your angel,
Amanda ♥

my life is once again at a stand still. it happens to me once or twice a year. i'm really trying to get a job soon. craig didn't get the lowe's job by the way. sucks.

monday was craig & i's 1 year anniversary. WOW. it seems like we've been going out for 10 years. we played it low key. just saw a movie then ate at 'our' resturant amoung other things...
i really do love him with all my heart. i'm glad i have never said i love you to anyone else before him. he is truely my soulmate. and psychics are real.

i'm going down to cinncinati. if only adria would call me (hint hint lol). but i'm so nervous about spending money. we want to go to the hustler store & out to eat and it just really sucks. i've been giving alot of my money to my mom then plus i *have* a life and it cost money to do things outside your house. blah. my kidneys hurt.